We all try to impart things to our kids, be they morals, values, or just things you need to know.  I've taught mine how not to dress like an idiot, that chores aren't for suckers and why it takes all of us to keep things going.  But there is more to life than just the basics, and some of the emotional things, and things that aren't needed in the here and now are more difficult to teach.  Luckily, I've picked up a few things as I grew up and learned a few hilarious things from friends with teenagers.

Here are the things I hope my kids leave the nest with:


1. Scissors are to be used for opening bags of chips, not for your hair, on your head, or otherwise.  And if you decide girls don't want hair in their mouths - use shaving cream.

2. Cleaning is not experimental chemistry - mixing chemicals will kill you. Just use white vinegar and other things like I taught you.

3. Learn to cook a few basic meals, girls like that.  Also, learn to use a fire extinguisher - I've seen your cooking.

4. Do not tell a girl you love her unless you really do.  There's a lot of responsibility that comes with the word Love.

5. Good friends are there through thick and thin.  They have your back and know your secrets. Keep them forever, because they now know your secrets and murder is illegal.

6. Be prepared to hear everything running through a girls head when you ask her what she's thinking about.  And for the love of all things, you don't have to fix them all.

7. Your metabolism burns off all that pizza now.  It won't forever.  Learn to eat and like green things.  It's just a veggie, get over it.

8. Jumper cables, learn to use them.

9. Look at a girls' eyes and smile at her BEFORE ogling her boobs.  It's the polite thing to do.

10. Drinking hard alcohol from the bottle won't go well for you, ever.  You'll either never drink it again, or be too dead to worry about it.

11. Using your credit/debit card and waiting for the end of the month bill isn't budgeting.  Remember the lessons you learned with your allowance and apply it to real life.

12. You know what you wash with white clothes? White clothes. Also, Fels Naptha gets stains out of anything.

13. Learn basic first aid.  Someday you will be out in the woods, a mile from nothing with a kid who has a stick through her leg.  No wait, that was me.  Still...learn first aid.

14. Happy, that's what you need to be when you grow up.  What your job is doesn't change that fact.

15. Sex is like power, it too comes with great responsibility.  If you're not prepared for all the emotions, attachments and potential disasters, wait.  Your penis, and sex aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

16. Learn to tie a tie properly.  Suits and ties, or just a guy dressed really nicely is like lingerie to a woman.

17. Don't ever start a fight, but if you can't talk yourself out if it, know how to win one, quickly and without too much damage to either of you.

18. Learn to write thank you notes, love notes, and general letters.  Texting just isn't the same.

P.S. If I ever catch you walking around with your boxers hanging out, and pants hanging off your ass claiming to be a gangsta - I'm ripping your ears off.  You can claim it was a gang related injury if you want to be a gangsta so badly.

Love,
Mom

Have you ever had something happen to you that you just didn't even want to tell the truth about because it's so unbelievably dumb?  Sometimes I swear my life is a comedy of errors that I get to wear around.  This weekend was no different.
It all started off so innocently.  I was watching one of my guilty pleasures (The Dead Files) on Friday night, and I fell asleep with my glasses still on.  According to the King, Tucker, the fuzzy cat and I were fast asleep and just before midnight the Tucker let out an unholy screech, jumped up from a dead sleep, landed on my face, smashing my glasses into my eye and chaos ensued.
I sat up, not exactly realizing what had happened yet, other than my face/nose was hurting.  Then I realized there was blood, a lot of it.  After running to the bathroom and accessing the damage I came to a few conclusions.

• My cat is a fuzzy jerk, who has nightmares.
• Face wounds bleed like you've been mauled by a bear.
• Makeup ain't gonna cover that.
• Blood doesn't come out of white duvets.
• Wearing glasses to bed is both a good and a bad thing.

The next day, I had planned to do some ice skating, meet some new friends, etc.  Which worked out, we all giggled and decided that I took a hockey puck to the eye.  While walking around later with the King, we ran into a police officer we knew and of course they decided I had been assaulted, but I had it coming.  Sunday, as the eye was looking worse, we had another couple over to pick up some wood and mercifully, the wife thought it was a car accident.  The husband however... He was impressed that I didn't need to be told twice to do something (if you've heard that joke).

Accidental cat mauling just sounds lame...

The King thinks I should use the story of a bear attack - and we're eating the bear next week (rawr! I ripped it's throat out with my bare hands).  A few others have insisted roller derby was the way to go.  Either way you look at it, having a cat frightened by a nightmare land on your face while you're sleeping doesn't make for a good tale to tell.

Having a cat land on your face, and do some damage is a joke in itself - somewhere.  Being abused, living with abuse, or knowing someone who is in an abusive relationship is not.  Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.  If you, or someone you know is in need, please make that call.  You could be saving a life, maybe your own.  1-800-799-SAFE

The holidays have come and gone, finally.  The new year has begun, and no new blog posts?  "What's up with that?", a few people have asked.  It's a lot of reasons, but here's what it's not:

• Planning to end the blog.
• Fallen into a cement mixer full of quicksand (thank you, Train)
• Autism was cured
• Baked my last cake or made my last meal
• Finished my home decorating and now live in a museum (minion #2 would love that though)
• Stopped caring about fashion
• Never travelling again

Anyone else a fan of hats?