We all try to impart things to our kids, be they morals, values, or just things you need to know.  I've taught mine how not to dress like an idiot, that chores aren't for suckers and why it takes all of us to keep things going.  But there is more to life than just the basics, and some of the emotional things, and things that aren't needed in the here and now are more difficult to teach.  Luckily, I've picked up a few things as I grew up and learned a few hilarious things from friends with teenagers.

Here are the things I hope my kids leave the nest with:

1. Scissors are to be used for opening bags of chips, not for your hair, on your head, or otherwise.  And if you decide girls don't want hair in their mouths - use shaving cream.

2. Cleaning is not experimental chemistry - mixing chemicals will kill you. Just use white vinegar and other things like I taught you.

3. Learn to cook a few basic meals, girls like that.  Also, learn to use a fire extinguisher - I've seen your cooking.

4. Do not tell a girl you love her unless you really do.  There's a lot of responsibility that comes with the word Love.

5. Good friends are there through thick and thin.  They have your back and know your secrets. Keep them forever, because they now know your secrets and murder is illegal.

6. Be prepared to hear everything running through a girls head when you ask her what she's thinking about.  And for the love of all things, you don't have to fix them all.

7. Your metabolism burns off all that pizza now.  It won't forever.  Learn to eat and like green things.  It's just a veggie, get over it.

8. Jumper cables, learn to use them.

9. Look at a girls' eyes and smile at her BEFORE ogling her boobs.  It's the polite thing to do.

10. Drinking hard alcohol from the bottle won't go well for you, ever.  You'll either never drink it again, or be too dead to worry about it.

11. Using your credit/debit card and waiting for the end of the month bill isn't budgeting.  Remember the lessons you learned with your allowance and apply it to real life.

12. You know what you wash with white clothes? White clothes. Also, Fels Naptha gets stains out of anything.

13. Learn basic first aid.  Someday you will be out in the woods, a mile from nothing with a kid who has a stick through her leg.  No wait, that was me.  Still...learn first aid.

14. Happy, that's what you need to be when you grow up.  What your job is doesn't change that fact.

15. Sex is like power, it too comes with great responsibility.  If you're not prepared for all the emotions, attachments and potential disasters, wait.  Your penis, and sex aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

16. Learn to tie a tie properly.  Suits and ties, or just a guy dressed really nicely is like lingerie to a woman.

17. Don't ever start a fight, but if you can't talk yourself out if it, know how to win one, quickly and without too much damage to either of you.

18. Learn to write thank you notes, love notes, and general letters.  Texting just isn't the same.

P.S. If I ever catch you walking around with your boxers hanging out, and pants hanging off your ass claiming to be a gangsta - I'm ripping your ears off.  You can claim it was a gang related injury if you want to be a gangsta so badly.

Labels: , |
0 Responses

Post a Comment