We all try to impart things to our kids, be they morals, values, or just things you need to know.  I've taught mine how not to dress like an idiot, that chores aren't for suckers and why it takes all of us to keep things going.  But there is more to life than just the basics, and some of the emotional things, and things that aren't needed in the here and now are more difficult to teach.  Luckily, I've picked up a few things as I grew up and learned a few hilarious things from friends with teenagers.

Here are the things I hope my kids leave the nest with:


1. Scissors are to be used for opening bags of chips, not for your hair, on your head, or otherwise.  And if you decide girls don't want hair in their mouths - use shaving cream.

2. Cleaning is not experimental chemistry - mixing chemicals will kill you. Just use white vinegar and other things like I taught you.

3. Learn to cook a few basic meals, girls like that.  Also, learn to use a fire extinguisher - I've seen your cooking.

4. Do not tell a girl you love her unless you really do.  There's a lot of responsibility that comes with the word Love.

5. Good friends are there through thick and thin.  They have your back and know your secrets. Keep them forever, because they now know your secrets and murder is illegal.

6. Be prepared to hear everything running through a girls head when you ask her what she's thinking about.  And for the love of all things, you don't have to fix them all.

7. Your metabolism burns off all that pizza now.  It won't forever.  Learn to eat and like green things.  It's just a veggie, get over it.

8. Jumper cables, learn to use them.

9. Look at a girls' eyes and smile at her BEFORE ogling her boobs.  It's the polite thing to do.

10. Drinking hard alcohol from the bottle won't go well for you, ever.  You'll either never drink it again, or be too dead to worry about it.

11. Using your credit/debit card and waiting for the end of the month bill isn't budgeting.  Remember the lessons you learned with your allowance and apply it to real life.

12. You know what you wash with white clothes? White clothes. Also, Fels Naptha gets stains out of anything.

13. Learn basic first aid.  Someday you will be out in the woods, a mile from nothing with a kid who has a stick through her leg.  No wait, that was me.  Still...learn first aid.

14. Happy, that's what you need to be when you grow up.  What your job is doesn't change that fact.

15. Sex is like power, it too comes with great responsibility.  If you're not prepared for all the emotions, attachments and potential disasters, wait.  Your penis, and sex aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

16. Learn to tie a tie properly.  Suits and ties, or just a guy dressed really nicely is like lingerie to a woman.

17. Don't ever start a fight, but if you can't talk yourself out if it, know how to win one, quickly and without too much damage to either of you.

18. Learn to write thank you notes, love notes, and general letters.  Texting just isn't the same.

P.S. If I ever catch you walking around with your boxers hanging out, and pants hanging off your ass claiming to be a gangsta - I'm ripping your ears off.  You can claim it was a gang related injury if you want to be a gangsta so badly.

Love,
Mom

Have you ever had something happen to you that you just didn't even want to tell the truth about because it's so unbelievably dumb?  Sometimes I swear my life is a comedy of errors that I get to wear around.  This weekend was no different.
It all started off so innocently.  I was watching one of my guilty pleasures (The Dead Files) on Friday night, and I fell asleep with my glasses still on.  According to the King, Tucker, the fuzzy cat and I were fast asleep and just before midnight the Tucker let out an unholy screech, jumped up from a dead sleep, landed on my face, smashing my glasses into my eye and chaos ensued.
I sat up, not exactly realizing what had happened yet, other than my face/nose was hurting.  Then I realized there was blood, a lot of it.  After running to the bathroom and accessing the damage I came to a few conclusions.

• My cat is a fuzzy jerk, who has nightmares.
• Face wounds bleed like you've been mauled by a bear.
• Makeup ain't gonna cover that.
• Blood doesn't come out of white duvets.
• Wearing glasses to bed is both a good and a bad thing.

The next day, I had planned to do some ice skating, meet some new friends, etc.  Which worked out, we all giggled and decided that I took a hockey puck to the eye.  While walking around later with the King, we ran into a police officer we knew and of course they decided I had been assaulted, but I had it coming.  Sunday, as the eye was looking worse, we had another couple over to pick up some wood and mercifully, the wife thought it was a car accident.  The husband however... He was impressed that I didn't need to be told twice to do something (if you've heard that joke).

Accidental cat mauling just sounds lame...

The King thinks I should use the story of a bear attack - and we're eating the bear next week (rawr! I ripped it's throat out with my bare hands).  A few others have insisted roller derby was the way to go.  Either way you look at it, having a cat frightened by a nightmare land on your face while you're sleeping doesn't make for a good tale to tell.

Having a cat land on your face, and do some damage is a joke in itself - somewhere.  Being abused, living with abuse, or knowing someone who is in an abusive relationship is not.  Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.  If you, or someone you know is in need, please make that call.  You could be saving a life, maybe your own.  1-800-799-SAFE

The holidays have come and gone, finally.  The new year has begun, and no new blog posts?  "What's up with that?", a few people have asked.  It's a lot of reasons, but here's what it's not:

• Planning to end the blog.
• Fallen into a cement mixer full of quicksand (thank you, Train)
• Autism was cured
• Baked my last cake or made my last meal
• Finished my home decorating and now live in a museum (minion #2 would love that though)
• Stopped caring about fashion
• Never travelling again

Anyone else a fan of hats?

In the strange world we live in, we've never had the question, "Is Santa real?", come up.  Both of my minions have just taken it as certain fact that a rotund man in a red suit delivers one amazing present, to each person around the globe, in one night.  Seems legit, right?
The minions are 11 and 14 and thanks to NORAD and animated Christmas shows, they still have no doubts that:

1. Santa is real
2. He needs some of my cookies
3. He's bringing games for the Wii

Seems Legit...

As another year comes to a close, I find myself in the same cycles of years past.  I take stock of the things I've done this year, see if I've met the goals I've set for myself both personally and professionally, and start writing the goals for the year ahead.

Some of the goals I've met, some I haven’t.  I really don’t sweat it one way or another.  They’re goals and things to strive for, not how I measure my success and happiness.  I know not everyone is like that, and that’s OK too.  Everyone is different and it’s that bit of different that makes each of us special and unique.

Each goal I set, no matter if it’s a short or long term goal follows a few rules.

The goal is Specific.  It will state what I want to accomplish, who is involved, why I’m doing it, where I’m doing it and list out any requirements or constraints.
The goal will also be Measurable.  I can give it how much percentages, or how manys to see what’s left to do yet.
The goal is Attainable.  If I can answer the question, “How will I accomplish my goal?”, with a realistic answer, it’s attainable.  Being the Doctor’s companion isn't an attainable goal, no matter how cool you think it would be.
The goal is Relevant. Is my goal worthwhile?  Am I the one that should be accomplishing this?  Is it the right time to do this?
The goal is Time bound.  Someday is not part of the goal making formula.  What needs to be done now, next week, next month to accomplish my goal in the X months I have designated to bring it to completion?


My personal goals for the coming year are pretty simple, barring of course the end of the world as predicted by the Mayans.

• Go back to school in January and work towards my masters. (long term goal)
• Make 5 new friends and have a girls' night out once a month.
• Attend one craft show a month, and make my jewelry a small, profitable business that can support 50% of my tuition costs by the end of 2013.
• Expand on my jewelry line to include some accessories for Thirty One bags.  Meet up with the rep and make sure she has samples by Jan. 15th.
• Finish the family room and move on to the dining room before Spring.

That’s it so far, but that list is ever changing, so the goals will adjust, change, be added to and some of those will be removed as they are completed.
What are your goals for 2013, or are you hoping the Mayans will be right and you won’t need to make any more goals?

About this time during Pumpkin Spice Latte Season we are usually starting the hunt for costumes for the minions to trick or treat in.  The older one always choses some cool super hero while the younger one...well, he liked undead or mostly dead things.  This year, however the minions have decided they are a bit too old and are forgoing the experience to hand out goodies to the neighbors minions.  Some of those other minions should probably be given junior valium, but that is a tale for another time.  Today we're talking super heroes.

The king enjoys be likened to Tony Stark, AKA, Iron Man.  I can draw the similarities in a round about way.  He does have titanium in his body, he's nearly been electrocuted a time or two, set a few things on fire and then there was the incident with the dimmer switch... Anyway, when we think about the standard hero, comic book or movie variety they are nearly all created by men.  Granted some of them are pretty awesome.  I'm a fan of Captain Malcolm Reynolds, so thank you Joss.  Minion #1 loves him some Spider Man and Minion #2 is more than happy to watch the green guy Hulk out and smash things.

Did you ever wonder though, what we would get if women were to create super heroes?  Obviously I have, and put some thought into it too.  Think about all the things that we women could get accomplished if we had the help of super heroes to fight off the big bad laundry monsters, stacks of dishes ready to eat us alive and the dust bunnies from Planet X.

First hero I'd want to create is Dinner Dude.  He shows up right before dinner time and makes gourmet meals.  Granted he looks and sounds like a surfer/stoner but his brownies are to die for.  Oh, he even cleans up after himself before he leaves to save someone else from the evil perils of take out.

That's right, slay those dishes!

I'd also want to see Laundry Guy!  He's down to his last pair of underwear and wearing them, and only them, while he saves you from your piles of dirty laundry that has been multiplying in the dark.

You can fight my laundry monster!

And then there is The Punisher.  Yes, I know there already is a Punisher, but he's just not what a girl needs.  No, we need someone that sniffs out lies and other forms of BS and calls shenanigans on the offending person, publicly.  Then because that's never enough, they say something like "No more BS from you!" and kick the offender down a well, Spartan Style.

I call shenanigans!

What about you?  Any super heroes you'd like to see show up to help you out?

In a neighboring kingdom, there is a queen who was in need of some minor surgery today.  We've heard from her king, and the quacks have given back her crown and she is regal once more.  However, this queen of the Keebler Elveses' wasn't sure the neighboring queen's scullery staff was up to snuff.  So I did what any neighboring Queen would do and launched an invasion and took over while the other royals were gone.  I mean, gathered my elves and we baked.  It's what we do.  We are some B.A.M.F. little elves in the kitchen.

On today's menu was a vegan shepherd's pie, (because the other queen is a vegetarian) and some muffins.  Banana chocolate chip muffins to be exact.  Yeah, they're as good as they sound.  I threw some extra magic and love in them today, apparently it's what make them taste so good..  At least that's the king's theory.  He's made them from the same recipe I do and they don't taste the same.  Seriously, it's a Scooby Doo kind of mystery.  Pretty sure Ernie Keebler is behind it all.  He just doesn't want anyone else to gain access to the Hollow tree bakery(which could be in one of the trees in our yard), so through some sort of black magic no one else can bake the same thing and have it taste the same in our house.

Anywho... on to the food.  I use a modified version of the Shepherds Pie from the lovely Karina, over at the Gluten Free Goddess.  I cut out the jalapenos, jam, sage, chili flakes, and cut down by half on the broth.  You can use any white beans you have on hand.  Today we used white kidney beans.  I also used red potatoes and I keep the skin on when I mash them.  I think it looks prettier that way.  Men think it looks like bacon, and hey, who am I to tell them different if they're going to eat veggies?

It's BACON!  No, but still yummy.

The yummy insides

The muffins are also a variation on Karina's goodies.  If you have anyone with a wheat or gluten issue in your life and haven't heard of the Gluten Free Goddess... seriously.  Go there now, you may send your thanks in the form of shoes, size 8 US or 38's if you're European.  The banana muffin recipe is modified thusly: I use applesauce in place of the oil, 2Tbsp flax and water for the eggs, no vinegar, I use Bob's Red Mill GF baking flour in place of the other flours and no salt.  If you have a stand mixer, whip it up on high for a bit at the end, the muffins will get a fluffy texture to them.  Enjoy life makes a chocolate chip free of allergens, for any of you with soy issues like me.  And if you don't have a whiny minion who hates nuts, walnuts go great in these.

My muffins bring all the boys to the yard...

Gluten free baking has a slightly different texture to it than what you're used to.  So don't be alarmed when your baked goods are denser, and not as big as you'd think they should be.

Me - I thought you'd be bigger.   Muffin - That's what she said.

Happy Friday!

I spent my day Sunday luxuriating the day away in bed, napping and watching tv.  In between the napping, I was also reminding myself that eggplant is bad for me, with a capital B.  The nightshade family generally is, and I generally avoid it like a zombie plague.  But as with any food intolerance you feel the need to check it from time to time.  Turns out, still horridly intolerant to it.

Cute old house isn't it?

Normally I do tutorials of some variety or another on Thursday.  It's been one of those weeks, so I'm doing something different today, and that's Ok.

I hope you sing it all day!

Wednesday, we headed for a grand tour of the local wineries.  There are two.  Yeah, I know whee!  Two whole wineries.  The first one we visited is the 1000 Island Winery located right near the bridge to Canada.  Their wines were interesting.  The had a few good ones, and some that were downright awful.  Our favorite was one affectionately called Girls Are Meaner, or a gewürztraminer.  It wasn't mean at all.  It was quite smooth, so a bit of it is coming home with us along with some blueberry wine, raspberry wine and another local semi-dry Riesling.

I totally would :)

The other local winery is called Coyote Moon.  They charge to taste their wines, so we took a pass.  The last few places we found that charge for tastings do so because their stuff is pretty foul.  I was already happily buzzing from the previous tasting, so it didn't break my heart much.  From there we went into a cute little town nearby called Clayton.  The have a nice little downtown district with shopping and a few coffee houses.  We were practically forced to stop at one have something called a Mocha Loca.  It was so awful we may go back today and have another one.  Thankfully the lovely staff at the Lyric Bistro has no issue with using our almond milk in their drinks.

Another little spot in Clayton worth noting is Bella's.  Partly because you can dine right along the river and the scenery is divine, but the other reason is that you can get GF/SF food.  Their staff is well versed and you can even get dessert.  Which for those of us with food issues, this is HUGE!  Add to the fact that it was a mint brownie and it's bonus points.  I think we'll head back there on Friday evening, our last in the area.

Thursday it rained here.  Well, it was more of a downpour, all day.  So, I did what any person on holiday would do.  I looked around for a day spa to get a massage or a mani-pedi.  Oh, right, did I mention we had no electric?  Yeah, it does that when it rains around here.  So, using the 3G interwebz on the phone I hunted down someplace to get relaxed and prettied up.  I thought at first my phone wasn't working right.  But no, there are no spas.  No day spas either.  The best I could swing was a mani-pedi in a shop that also does tattoos.  Awesome, a two-fer kind of day!  I should have know when the girl doing the pedi was impressed with my own paint job on the toes to run.  But, I stuck it out.  I repainted the mess that were my finger nails this morning, a nice shade called iced merlot.

Today we are headed to the great nation of Canada.  A little drive down the river and maybe a brief stop at Fort Henry.

Fort Henry Guard

Today dawned without the noise of loud talker guy.  Loud talker guy is based next door and after waking at the butt crack of dawn yesterday, he proceeded to laugh like some wild drunken hyena all morning.  Thankfully, our hosts have had a chat with him and he's quieted down between the hours of 11pm and 9am.  I'm fairy certain our mild mannered and retired hosts have threatened loud talker guy with being fed to the river monster.

Yes, I'm fairly certain there is a river monster that eats unsuspecting swimmers here.  Anytime I can't really see the bottom of where I'm swimming I can't help but wonder what might be lurking down there, ready to nom my cheap white sneaker clad feet.  It didn't help that while I was pondering that fact, the King was more than happy to feed that fear by asking what things were in the water.  They were mostly schools of fish, some water weeds and rock outcroppings, but they could have easily been man-eating piranhas or the seldom seen but well fed river monster.

We decided to go explore Alexandria Bay today.  After strolling down and back on the main street, all I can think of is Admiral Akbar saying "It's a Trap!" And it truly is, a tourist trap  Like most tourist areas, there are a number of shops, all of which sell the same overpriced tchotchkes.  But, unlike some places this town felt like carnies might crawl out from nowhere and just set up a cheesy carnival somewhere at any moment.  Truly one of the oddest places I've been, and not somewhere I would choose to go after dark.


This evening's meal was one of the highlights of the day.  We had spaghetti squash with grilled veggies and a fra diavolo sauce.  The kitchen here is a bit smaller than I'm used to, and I don't have all my usual staples at my fingertips, but we're still eating really well.  Strawberry banana smoothies were dessert and we had a lovely view to sip at them.

Say hello to Canada, Mr. Sun

Since we're on vacation, I'm taking advantage of the downtime and getting some reading done that I've been putting off.  I can tell you that Sookie hasn't gotten any smarter after 12 books, and Eric needs to get his head out of his self serving vampire butt.  Pam seriously needs her own book, and I still don't like Sam, he should have died, no one would really miss him.  Mr. Grey is far more vanilla than I was expecting.  The story line is interesting (it's neither erotic fiction or romance), and I'm curious as to how the series will end, and I'll be finding out as soon as I post this.

Yep.  I laughed too.  And I laugh each time I read it.

I've become more and more dismayed each year as the stores put out their Christmas displays earlier and earlier.  This year, I've noticed the Hallmark stores are already putting out their ornaments and the craft stores have aisles cleared to devote to the many boxes already sitting in said aisles marked Christmas and Made in China on them.

Don't get me wrong, I have no issues with the way stores make money.  I like capitalism, what I don't like is dealing with a holiday before its time. I like to get though one holiday before I have to deal with another one. For instance, there is still Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veterans Day and That Day we all eat Turkey and Watch Football.  All of those days come before Christmas, at least on my calendar.  Maybe retail runs by a different calendar than we do?  I mean with spring clothes coming out at Christmas, and Fall clothes coming out in the Spring, they must have a secret calendar they don't share with the rest of us.

What it does do for me is change how I feel about holidays.  I'm the first one to say that while I'm a spiritual person I'm not religious in the expected way.  I do feel the pull of holidays and celebrating certain times of the year.  However, with the stores advocating so strongly that it's stuff that makes the holiday special, it's really turning me off to the holiday and making less special and magical.  Christmas is probably the biggest culprit of this.

So, for any of you shopping anywhere in Central Pennsyltucky, if you come across a manger scene complete with zombies in it, I've probably been there.  If there is also a post it note attached to the manger with "Aim for the head, Baby Jeebus!"  I was definitely there.

The king told me a few weeks ago I should really cut back on my caffeine intake to go along with my new and improved vegan lifestyle.  I actually got pissed about it.  The king was rather smug as he was telling me if I was mad about it, maybe I had a problem.
Of course I have a problem.  It's the King.  His telling me I need to let go of my caffiene laden travel mug is the problem, certainly not my coffee!
It might also be a little of my adult ADD.  I control it with that caffiene, so it's not that bad, but as one of my dear friends has informed me, I'm a bit more random these days.

So I thought it might be fun to subject you to the top 10 random thoughts of my day!

10 - I'm completely obsessed with my blog stats, new users, and how to make my blog more appealing to the people that visit.  I'm also a little perplexed sometimes about what people choose to click on and look at.  The Sonic the Hedgehog cake tutorial is still #1 in hits.  How is that possible, oh and "Hi!" to all my new followers!

9 - I'm so excited about Wednesday's outfit.  Becky asked for a Drop Dead Diva inspired one, and I have it all ready to go.  I think.  Is that skirt out of the laundry...

8 - Why can't I find a freaking bee, or bees for the instagram challege today?  Curse you global warming, killer bees and insecticides.

7- What am I making for dinner? I could seriously use more coffee.  Maybe I can convince them that almond milk lattes are a balanced meal option?  Especially when had with biscotti.  Mmmm...biscotti.

6 - Where am I going to find my item for the craft challenge?  Will I find what I want for the price point I want?  Why do I make things so difficult sometimes?

5 - Can I really pull off the Journey project, if I give myself a tiny bit of leeway, and a dollar amount to stay under?  Shoes...*sigh*

4 - Still excited over the new yard plans...oh crap! I forgot to post those.
So, right, we hired a landscape architect to fix the missle testing area that is our yard.  Plans are awesome.  Look for those on Thursday.  I'll show you where we are so far with implementing them.

3 - Wonder if there is any food left after leaving the boys home alone today.  I did run to the market, but they're boys...  I hope they didn't find my stash of chocolate.

2 - Between dealing with 'that woman' and a few other members of the king's family lately, I'm so ready for a vacation.  And then there's still the IEP foolishness to deal with, and oh, crap, that reminds me, I need to call my brother. Why does it remind me? I have no idea.

Man Lab - BBC Network

1 - You can go, go, go on your picnic table! I cant get the song out of my head either.

So there it is, my completely random of the day.  I'm blaming it on the lack of coffee, but coffee...if you're out there, you had me at hello.
;-)

There are days around here where the autism wins.  Sometimes, it completely triumphs over the life of minion #1.  There is about as much point to trying to reason with it as there is with a newborn.  Most days it just lies in wait, searching for its opportunity to strike and really take hold.  Thankfully, those days are fewer now.  Sometimes though, it creeps in when we least expect it to and unlike most times, the results to those watching are sheer hilarity. 

Minion#1 wandered into the kitchen Friday evening as the king and I were making dinner.  I was happily carving up veggies as he was doing up the pizza crusts.  The king looks down at the minions feet for some reason and realizes he only has one sock on.  Now this isn't all that unusual, odd things like this happen often around here.  What is a bit different this time is the answer we got when the question of where that sock is was asked.

"My brother took it",  the minion proclaimed.
The king and I looked at each other, blinked once, and turned to look at the minion.  "Go get your sock back", the king directed.  "You ARE the big brother after all."

Dobby, from Harry Potter

Minion #1 disappears upstairs to retrieve the stolen sock, and minion #2 appears.  After a brief discussion about the current state of dinner and when it would be magically appearing on their plates, I asked the other minion about the thievery of the sock, and why it was taken.

With a completely straight face, he looks at us and says, "Um, it's probably better you just don't know".  Now, in most households, that answer probably wouldn't fly, but in this one, it does.  One, we probably don't want to know, but two, who can argue with that reasoning?

Minion #2 was instructed to go help the other one find his sock, and find it they did.  I'm happy to report that Connor the house elf, is now free!


While you may be thinking our parenting style is just awful, and we probably should have demanded a better answer from the secondary minion, we didn't and won't.  Conflict resolution requires a bit of finesse and practice to do well with for anyone.  It also requires people skills which are sorely lacking in most autistic people.  It takes years and years of practice for some of them just to ask a simple question or hold a conversation.  So, even though they are brothers, and minion #2 is used to dealing with him, it does take a lot to get them to work together, find an amicable solution and make up.  We just make sure it happens, the hows are up to them.

There are a number of ways to say you've been pushed over the edge of sanity and reason and are having a complete mental and emotional breakdown.  Personally I like off your nut, losing your religion, a few sammiches short of a picnic and when you've strayed over the line where the crazy bats are, well my friends, you've gone and lost your schmidt.  (No Shandy, you're pregnant, not bat schmidt crazy)
I've had a few occurrences this year that have pushed me to the edge of my rope (also a great colloquialism).  There's been Day of the Grandmothers (to be fair that was last year, but it was a holiday so it counts as double), the ongoing crazy that is my digestive tract, tearing apart my house, the entire IEP fiasco with my eldest child, and then that woman reared her ugly head again the day before heart surgery.  That woman, she has no other name in my vocabulary, is my MIL.  She's been that woman since I cut off contact with her in October of '95.  And as with things like nasty infections and unimaginable pain, I can't say I miss her.
Due to some of the more amazing things she's said and done over the brief period I had the unpleasure of her company, we've cut off all contact with her and her husband, what's his face.  If you can't imagine what would make you do something like that, you should take a gander here, for a six part look into some tamer MIL's.  Read them knowing I can easily top them.  That woman is the cherry on top of their crazy, and the whipped cream, and sprinkles... you get the idea.
The day before Minion #1 was headed 3 hours away for heart surgery, we get contacted by that woman.  We've asked numerous times to be left alone, don't call, don't write, don't send things.  The King sent her an email in November of last year that requesting yet again that there be no contact(mostly because I didn't want another Christmas gift that had a label on it saying it causes cancer, I schmidt you not).  But no, that woman has a bad memory apparently, perhaps the crazy interferes with it, maybe it's more like the Grinch, her shoes are too tight, head's not screwed on right, or her heart is just two sizes too small.  Like the Whoo's, no one quite knows the reason.
So there I stood red faced and angry in my kitchen.
Thinking of nothing more than an hours worth of bitchin'.
I growled with a snarly little Keebler-Elven sneer,
Tomorrow is pre-op testing day, and it's nearly here.
Could that woman not have waited, found something else to do?
Someone else to bother, someone else to piss off through and through?
No, I didn't think in cute Dr. Seuss rhymes at the time.  In fact, language was beyond me for a bit., I was so far past losing my schmidt.

Once we were back home and more settled, I sat down and logically starting thinking about the situation.  How do you handle someone that won't leave you alone?  Yeah, you start by writing another letter.  So I did.
It will be sent certified mail, and hopefully my schmidt will stay in one place for a while.  At least until IEP season begins anew.

I think everyone has a love/hate relationship with their cable company.  We all loves us some trashy tv, but no one wants to shell out at least a hundred bucks a month for the overrated privilege of watching Snooki.  When our cable bill was inching towards $150/month.  We said enough is enough.
So, the King put on his crown, picked up the royal telephone and called the neighboring kingdom of Comcast.  He asked about different plans (there really weren't any we wanted to pay for) or just lowering the rates.  Being the powerful kingdom they are, they said no.  "Okay", says my King.  "Then we'd like to cancel our cable service".  The Court Jester of Comcast told us how much it would be to turn it off.  Yes, you have to pay to have your cable turned off.  It's a one time disconnect fee because they have to pay someone to come out and physically throw a switch on the cable box.  Fine, we agree to pay the disconnect fee just to make them go away and be free from the oppressive kingdom of Comcast. (Help!, Help! We're being repressed!)
Funny thing about paying for the disconnect fee.  We were never disconnected.  To be fair, we did disconnect our cable box and return it to the Royal Comcast Cable box Stables.  Our TV's however are still picking up cable, to this day, two years later.

Pretty much to scale.

In the mean time we've been using XBMC to stream video, etc to the tv, but the fan died in the PC that was running it, and one can only take just so much Anthony Bourdain until you have find an alternative.  And find one we did.
Roku has been on our radar for a while, but wasn't quite robust and polished enough until just recently.  The Roku XS retails for under $100, and if there is a channel out there streaming content you'll have access to it.  It's super simple to set up, super easy to add channels, and if one remote isn't enough for you, there's an app for your smart phone to turn in into additional remotes.

Now, each time I sit down to watch tv, I smile and think to myself, 'Comcast, you can Suck It!'

I got to wondering about this when I was writing the about me page.  I very much dislike trying to summarize myself, or things that I like or do. Lists are a bit easier for me to write, so I did.  Here are a few things that make me, well, me.

Yarr!  Thar be birthday cake.

• I can recite almost the entire book, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, by heart.  Also...Goodnight Moon, How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight, and most of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
• I bake better than those little Keebler elves.  No one gets a store bought birthday cake around here.  No siree bob, we get pirate ships, swimming pools, dinosaurs with chocolate scales, you get the idea.
• My attraction to shoes and the color purple is legendary, but did you know about my love affair with hats? 
• It takes me forever to fall asleep.  My brain has no slow down or off function so I literally fall asleep some nights mid thought.
• The only movie that ever made me remotely sick to my stomach was fight club.  Human fat in a bag...the thought is making me gag even now.
• The only movie that has ever made me cry, Forrest Gump.  Stupid Jenny, why do you have to die every time?  *sniff*
• I still look in the mirror and wonder who that lady is looking back at me.
• I never wanted kids growing up, but I'm pretty good at being a mom.
• About the kids thing, I might have a small mama bear streak in me.  Don't mess with my kids.  I will hunt you down and make you wish you never met me, or my children in this life, or the next if you even think about it.
• I can freakishly recall details about people and places or conversations from years ago, word for word sometimes.  Phone numbers too.
• I organize things alphabetically.  Even my spices in the kitchen.
• I really dislike not being on time.  It makes my nearly have an anxiety attack. 
• I won't fill out forms for people who already have my info.  My info hasn't changed, just the paper you want it on.
• I have to be sick to nap in the daytime.
• I really, really hate it when people look at me, then look at me again and say...you look so familiar.
• I go out of my way to smile at old people and kids with obvious special needs.  I love it when they smile back, it makes me happy.  
• I would so make Alex Trebek my bitch if I ever get on Jeopardy.

Have you ever had just one of those days?  Maybe a bad week where things just weren't going well for you?  The world just seems like it turned against you suddenly for no real reason?  Yeah, I had that experience, and the cherry that topped off this particularly bad, three scoop of poo sundae disaster?  Walmart, on a Saturday.
The story begins by me getting sick.  Not the oh noes!  I have the sniffles variety.  No, I'm not that easy.  I'm talking the been to every doctor on the planet, no one has any clue what's making me sick kind of thing.  I have some minor surgery, home the same day kind of thing to rule out fun things like ovarian cancer, etc and I realize I'm really itchy the next day.  No biggie, anesthesia does that to me sometimes.  So, I do what any normal person would do and let it go a few days.
A few days later...

Shingles - right on the bra line

Now there's a rash too!  OMG is that...no, I've had those already, a few times.  Why does the rash burn?  And now it itches again.  Back to my GP I go to get this looked at.  She takes one glance at it, smiles and tells me I have a really nice case of shingles.  (Shingles are great for roofs, really, really awful on people.  That vaccine they have - GET IT!  Get it now!)  She gets out her prescription pad, writes one for the shingles, an anti-biotic for something else I managed to get, and because of my track record thus far, diflucan in case the anti-biotic caused a yeast infection, we'd just stop that before it got started.  My GP, she's just that perky!
Awesome.  I get my itchy, painful, burning carcass over to the pharmacy at Walmart (I needed milk and we didn't have a Target yet, don't judge me!) and hand over the three prescriptions.  I hadn't really thought about them, or looked at them, I really was just misery on feet at this point.  But, the look on the face of the pharmacy tech, and the fact that his eyebrow was starting to climb alarmed me.  He goes over to the pharmacist to 'check to see if they had everything in stock' while nodding to the pharmacist in my direction with this odd smile.
It was about this time that my brain started to connect the dots.  Valtrex, Amoxicillin and Diflucan - OMG they think I have STDs!  Fantastic, I've just become one of the people of walmart.
Today, as I'm writing this story, I go to peopleofwalmart.com (mostly to check that I'm still not there), and you just can't make this suff up people, this is what I find:

From Peopleofwalmart.com

                                                              Pure kismet.