Today is my 16th Mother's day.  No, I don't have a budding driver on my hands.  Nor do I have to worry about that issue for a few more years.  The oldest minion is 14.  The younger one only 11.  I know, the math doesn't add up.  Granted math isn't my best subject, but with a calculator and my fingers, sometimes my toes, I can add and subtract.  In this case I'm -1.

Minion#1  6 days old, 3.5lbs

There was a minion that never opened her eyes, or drew her first breath.  She never got to have skinned knees, or great days.  There was no wrapping her daddy around her little finger, or shouting how much she hated me because, well, I was her mother.   Her heart however, was beating.  And then it wasn't.

There is nothing that compares to the elation you experience when you find out there is going to be a new life joining you.  Nor is there anything that can prepare you for the utter desolation and helplessness with the loss of a child.

Minion #2  2days old, 6lbs

There will always be an empty place in my heart where someone belongs.  That will stay with me always.

There is this wonderful poem by e.e. cummings called [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in)].  It's really for lovers, but the final stanza resonated with me in this case.




here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(icarry it in my heart)


And I always will.